The tests are back. The results are in. It is no longer just a scary proposition, but a reality. I can't tell you what this diagnosis is like. It's almost surreal, by the time you get the diagnosis you feel fine. There is nothing wrong with me today, but you are telling me I have a disease that at any time could make me paralyzed, incontinent, stuttering, incognizant, almost a wheel chairing vegetable. I am overwhelmed, I want to hide and look at how this feels from all sides before I have to face the world with it. What is it? It is Multiple Sclerosis.
There is no reality that I can see me in with this and still being able to be me. I see alcoholism as a possibility, maybe death by car accident. Not yet, but it is a possibility in the future as disease progression occurs. I was just given an extended death sentence...but I am not sure I will make it to the execution date, I may check out before then. The medicines they have to "try" and control this diesease will kill you anyway, but just as slowly and more painfully.
I can't do this...They should provide you with a free grief counseling session with this diagnosis. I can't afford this disease, and my student loans, and just everyday expenses.
God...can you hear me? I don't see another door to knock on, please "Knock Knock" open up, please. You have tried to prepare me for this, I know it. I am human though, I had hopes and dreams. I never was anything special, I just wanted normal....that is all I have ever wanted was normal. I know I am a evil sinner and don't deserve it, but I still dreamed it might come true.
I am now faced with a decision, stay and try and be a responsible adult or go and try to accomplish as many dreams as possible before its too late. God I know your here but I feel so alone, and scared and worried. I am sorry. I am tired of this life, but I think perhaps I have been for awhile. I am not ready for any of this, but there is nothing to be done about it tonight. I will sleep on this decision and wake up with the right perspective I hope. I can't do this....I think I am going to be sick.