Thursday, October 18, 2012

I am scared.

I am scared.  That is kind of a hard thing to admit.  I am supposed to be an adult, able to face my fears with relative calm and some semblance of rational thought.  The truth is I am scared to my core.  I was diagnosed with a CIS last year.  I woke up one Sunday morning and my legs were tingly.  That really didn't scare me, I had a hairline fracture of a vertebrae in my neck when I was a child and since then I have had things go numb.  Normally a quick trip to the chiropractor would rectify the situation, this time it did not.  Two weeks went by and I finally went to my General practitioner, he scheduled me for an MRI 12 hours later and 4 hours after that he called me and told me I had lesions on my spinal cord.  I needed to see a neurologist.  They got me in right before Christmas.  I had a brain MRI the next day and the Neuro said there were lesions on my brain.  I started Steroid infusions the next week and Copaxone injections since.  I spent New Years alone this year, alone and half numb.  I have recovered from the incident almost fully, still missing feelings of heat but not cold on the top of my left foot.  But its nothing I just have to remember to test the bath water with my right foot.  All of that didn't scare me as bad as not knowing if it will happen again.
I have another MRI scheduled in a couple weeks, the one year follow up.  If there are active lesions on this one the diagnosis will change to MS.  That is what scares me.  It scares me to the point of keeping me awake at night.  It scared me so bad I quit smoking.  I read a study this year which said CIS patients who smoke have a 50% chance of relapse in the first year.  I am analyzing everything all the time, am I stuttering, can I still sing, hows my balance, did I just set on that foot too long?  I am scared to see my family at Thanksgiving and Christmas this year.  My two aunts on my father's side have MS.  I want to blame one of them for what happened to me, she was having a relapse at Thanksgiving last year and I came down with mine not 2 weeks me that sounds like a virus incubation period.  I don't want to be around her she is doing so much worse this year.  I feel selfish, but in this I think I have a right.
I don't know how to tell everyone, "I am sorry but I feel like being alone this year."  I am kinda thinking I might ask one of the girls at work if she would like the day off and trade with her so I can work and avoid my family.  I don't think it would be so bad if researchers could say for 100% certainty this is not something you catch but something you are already born with.  Right now they think its a combo of genetic predisposition and viral agent.  So am I in the right avoiding certain people?
All I know is I am scared and I can't tell anyone who knows me, so world I am telling you anonymously.  Thanks for listening.